Are you and your spouse slowly becoming one of the worst stats in marriage?
More people today are not in the kind of marriages they had hoped they would be in. All too often people get married and the marriage is short-lived and followed by a separation or a divorce.
Many couples today are longing to have a better marriage. They would like to have a marriage that Hollywood portrays, of perfect couples in perfect relationships, but do not know how to get there.
Why I Want To Improve My Marriage
My wife, Lien Kaura, and I married in May 2011. Since then we have worked on having the best marriage we can based on what we know.
We realize it takes a lot of hard work, understanding, communication, patients and love.
Do we have the perfect marriage? No. Every day we work to have the perfect marriage as we learn more about each other and how we can help each other grow and become better.
Do we get into small arguments and then get mad at each other? Yes, we do arguments but we have learned to talk about what is causing the argument and find solutions and not focus on attacking each other.
Although we are not perfect there are things that make our marriage a success based on the time we have been married.
It was not always like that. We had to grow together. We realized we wanted to find solutions and not fight with each other and destroy our marriage.
The Book – The Longing
The Longing, was released in 2005. This book on marriage and was written by Tim and Gaye Goad to help couples improve the marriage and have a chance to not become a static.
This book is written from the real-life relationship experience of Tim and Gaye Goad. They review what make their marriage a success, there believes in God and their experience.
They have based their marriage on the teaching from the BIBLE. I do not think you need to be a Christian to take advantage of the principles in this book.
If you are in an inter-racial, same-sex marriage, common law or still single the principles in this book can help you develop the skills to increase the change at a happy and long marriage.
Half the book is written by Tim and the other half by Gail. I believe they wanted us to have a couple’s perspective on what a marriage could look and feel like, if we gave ourselves a chance.
Chapter 01 – Relating to Your Spouse
The Helpmate – Gaye Goad
- In a marriage love is important, but more is required to have a great marriage. This includes, respect, understanding, communication and acceptance.
- After we have kids, to many times we neglect our spouse. Sometimes we forget our spouse is starving for the same kind of attention, effort and energy we pour into our kids.
- Sometimes when you believe you are doing things for your spouse, you actually doing them for your own satisfaction believing that is what your spouse what’s or expects from you.
- What every man needs from his wife or significant other is: RESPECT, ENCOURAGEMENT, SUPPORT, ASSISTANCE IN SPIRITUAL GROWTH AND TO BE THERE FOR HIM PHYSICALLY.
- We can’t always travel with over spouse but when he or she comes home after traveling you can dress up nice to meet them.
- Gaye reminds women not to forget, that a man’s need for sex is just as real and powerful as a woman’s monthly cycle.
- Ladies want you man to feel confident? Here is a secret: When your husband does not get praise from their you, everyone else’s praise means little to nothing to them.
- Ladies, your husband is a great man in some area. With your encouragement, he can become all he was meant to be. That is how much you mean to his success.
- Did you know a bad attitude can nullifies any good actions in a marriage?
- Everyday ask yourself, “What am I going to give to my marriage.” not “What can I get out of this marriage.”
The Servanthood Leader – Tim Goad
- As the leader of the family your results will not come from knowing. They will come from doing.
- Tim’s Christian believes tell him that God designed and equipped the husband to be the leader in his home. This does not mean he walks around with a ‘Macho’ or ‘I’m better than you’ attitude.
- Men, it is the love for your wife that motivates you to sacrifice yourself interests, your desires, and, yes, even at times your needs to satisfy your wife. Marriage is not about being selfish.
- In the Longing, Tim suggests men need to work at: KNOWING OUR WIFES NEEDS, UNDERSTANDING HER NEEDS and RESPONDING TO THE NEEDS. If you can do this your marriage will be a lot smoother.
- Men, remember when women share their feeling, frustrations and pains they are not always looking for an answer. Sometimes they are just looking for an empathetic understanding.
- Keep in mind men, when you’re trying to meet your wife’s needs, this does not mean you try to meet your needs first.
- If you want to avoid the counselors chair in your marriage remember, your relationship with my wife must be more important than your ego.
- If you want your wife to change, show leadership for our family. You must be willing to change first.
- Men if you remember to BRAG ON YOUR WIFE, EVALUATE YOURSELF, ASK QUESTIONS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE and USE SYNERGY IN YOUR MARRIAGE it can last much longer than all those unfortunate stats on marriage.
Chapter 02 – Coach – Navigator
Husband as Coach – Tim Goad
- If you are or are not spiritual, you can still believe that God, the universe or a higher being has brought you together for a purpose.
- It is one thing to say, “I LOVE YOU” but quite another to say, “I NEED YOU.”
- Men know if they love their wife this makes them vulnerable and men don’t like to be vulnerable so sometimes they don’t know how to show love to their spouse.
- Working as a team is about creating an encouraging environment in marriage. This inspires ourselves and our spouse to fulfill their God-given purpose.
- Treat your wife as the person she could be rather than the person she presently is.
- When she sees, you are sacrificing something for her, you begin to prove your love to her.
- At its best, EGO is a healthy sense of self-worth. At its worst, the EGO demands too be acknowledged as ‘right’ no matter what and who it hurts.
- Stop trying to change your wife; it only produces friction! Instead soak your wife in a solution of love, cherishing and encouragement and then be patient. The day will come she will shine.
- There are three reasons men don’t lead as the family head: THEY THINK THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE, THEY DON’T HAVE CONFIDENCE IN THEIR ABILITIES and THEY LACK ADEQUATE SELF-ESTEEM.
- There are three types of husbands, which one are you? PASSIVE, ABSENT or ABUSIVE.
- If you want to be the best man you can be, ask your wife to help you become a better man, a better husband and an amazing father.
Wife as Navigator – Gaye Goad
- We can’t change our husbands but we can encourage them to change by our actions.
- Most people try to have one of two types of marriage. One is either modelled after their parents’ relationship. The other is modeled to be the opposite.
- Gaye says, our husbands are accountable to God for their mistakes in marriage. So, help your husband make fewer mistakes.
- Stand with faith that the best in your husband and your marriage, is still to come with the grace of God, as he continues to work in his and your life.
Chapter 03 – Relaters – Problem Solvers
Women Are Relaters – Gaye Goad
- We need to learn to communicate better, we women need to recognize how men process things. And it might help if we understood how women think, too.
- To learn to communicate with men, we need to understand that a man organizes his life into boxes and can only be in one box at a time.
- A man spends as much time as he wants in one ‘box’ only because he believes this is where he can succeed.
- The more stress a man is under, the more time he needs to spend in the ‘processing box.’
- When women get stress, they want to talk about it and have someone listen to them.
- A man usually only starts a conversation when he thinks there’s a problem. If he doesn’t see a problem, he may feel there is no need for talk now.
- Gaye says, I’ve learned that to communicate with my husband, I had to change the way I talked to him. This also goes for him.
- Gaye says, we’ve should remember that men do not naturally connect the jobs we ask them to do with their feeling for us.
- Use phrases like, “I need your help with…” Men love to help not be told to do something.
Men Are Problem Solvers – Tim Goad
- As men, we need to learn to respect the differences between both sexes and seek to understand them.
- Men believe facts are more important in a conversation, but women want men to hear and respond to their feelings not just with logic.
- The biggest mistake we make in communication with our wives is to believe they are asking for solutions when they are merely processing their situations aloud and finding their own solutions.
- Men should be quick to listen to their spouse but slow to talk or respond.
- Why settle for anything less than the very best kind of relationship?
- If your relationship if you have not already done so, forgive one another for past blunders and start again.
- Don’t COMPLAIN, COMPARE and CRITICIZE instead find CREATIVITY.
- Remember every individual comes into a marriage with emotional baggage. Be patient, loving and have understanding.
Tim’s Final Words for Guys
- If you treat of your wife, wrongly, this will hinder your prayers, requests and wishes.
- A man is never happy until he is attempting to make his wife happy and fulfilled. When she is, he can find satisfaction.
- In all religions of the world, men are required by God to meet your wife’s needs. But, they are not required to cater to her every whim. Sorry ladies.
- It is important for men to find friendships and relationships with other men. This creates the male bond.
Gaye’s Final Words for Gals
- Men who were denied a mother’s love may seek it from their wives.
- Treat your husband as a man instead of a little boy and watch him grow.
- Learn to defer to your husband and leave ‘gaps’ for him to grow and become the leader of the family.
Closing Thoughts from Tim & Gaye Goad
- Here’s the secret formula for marriage: your dreams will come true when you help your spouse’s dreams come true.
- Always be willing to talk to your spouse and find out what your spouse is thinking.
- At every challenge in your marriage do your best to get rid of the old you. Begin the new you and work on the past challenges for a brighter future.
- Make a commitment to have a better marriage for 30,60 and 90 days at a time.
- Be careful not to base your acts of love or respect on your spouse’s actions.
After reading, The Longing, I see why Tim and Gaye Goa have the kind of marriage most only wish for. They have made a vow to work on their relationship. They asked, what is a good marriage, then worked on developing that.
We should understand they work on their marriage as much as the next person. After getting married that was not the end but the beginning.
They have fears, have experienced marriage problems and sadness but they continue to be each other’s counselor with the help of their religious faith.
They have been married for over 20 years and have helped countless people improve their marriage not only from the example they live but by teaching the principles they learned.
Tim and Gaye understand that making time for family life, children, parenting and anniversaries can become a challenge but they know if they do not make time for each other, their marriage is doomed.
What one thing will you do to make your marriage more successful?
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